Ladies, gentlemen, and esteemed underachievers, lend me your ears, or at least, the parts of your brain not already crammed with cat memes and TikTok dances. Today, I stand (or sit comfortably) before you to address an issue of utmost urgency: the gross injustice of grade inequality.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Grades are earned!” “Hard work pays off!” Blah, blah, blah. But let’s face it: the system is rigged. Some students have an unfair advantage in the academic Hunger Games. They’re called “nerds,” “geeks,” “the teacher’s pets.” You know who you are. These students hoard A’s like toilet paper in a pandemic, leaving the rest of us to fend off the dreaded C’s and D’s, and – heaven forbid – the apocalyptic F’s.
But fear not, for I have a solution: grade redistribution! Why toil over textbooks when you can reap the rewards of others’ labor? It’s like socialism, but for grades. And before you dismiss this as another harebrained scheme, let me walk you through the sheer genius of it.
1. The End of Grade Envy
Imagine a world where grade envy doesn’t exist. No more side-eyeing Chad’s perfect score or weeping over Gina’s flawless essay. In our utopian classroom, everyone gets a slice of the grade pie. Sure, it might be a pie made of numbers and letters rather than apples, but who’s checking?
2. Motivation Schmotivation
Let’s talk about motivation. You know what’s demotivating? Trying really hard and still getting a C. But if we spread the wealth, suddenly, everyone’s a winner. It’s like getting a participation trophy, but it actually affects your GPA.
3. No More Teacher’s Pets
We all know that one student who brings an apple to the teacher every day and somehow always gets extra credit for breathing. Well, no more! With grade redistribution, we’re all teacher’s pets. We can finally dethrone the kings and queens of the classroom and establish a democratic grade republic.
4. The Joy of Sharing
Remember when your parents taught you to share your toys? It’s time to apply that lesson to grades. Think of it as charity work. You’re not just getting a grade; you’re giving someone the gift of a better future. It’s like being Santa Claus, but instead of toys, you’re doling out A’s and B’s.
5. Say Goodbye to Stress
Stress, begone! Why lose sleep over a test when you can just coast on the collective success of your peers? This way, you can focus on the important things in life, like binge-watching Netflix and perfecting your sourdough bread recipe.
Now, I know there are skeptics among you. “This is absurd!” you cry. “It’s unfair!” “It undermines the value of hard work!” To that, I say: lighten up. We’re living in a world where people buy NFTs of digital monkeys for millions. Is grade redistribution really the craziest idea out there?
In conclusion, fellow students, the time for action is now. Let’s rise up and demand grade equality. Let’s create a world where every underachiever has a fighting chance, where every overachiever learns the joy of sharing, and where grades are not just a number, but a communal treasure.
Together, we can make the academic world a better place—one redistributed grade at a time.